Struggle to set boundaries for yourself and others? Not even sure what a boundary is? You’ve come to the right place.
Knowing, setting and sticking to a set of boundaries (with a little room for flexibility, of course) is a vital part of self-care.
Getting in touch with yours can help you avoid feelings of frustration, resentment or disappointment towards others and yourself, that might arise when your boundaries are breached.
Get clear
First things first – you need to get clear on what your priorities are. Take time to think about what you value most in life and what is most important to you in life. Is it time with your friends and family? Providing for your loved ones? Service to others? Tending to a garden? Being creative?
Write yourself a list and refer to it regularly, then make decisions about your life based on what best aligns with those priorities and values. This is the heart of boundary making and works for anything from day-to-day tasks to major life milestones.
Also know that values and boundaries tend to change over time, so don’t be afraid to be flexible and make edits as you learn more about yourself and what you need.
Communicate your limits
Once you’re clear with what your boundaries are, communicate them with others. Be upfront and honest about your limits when embarking on a new task, project, or relationship.
If you need to refuse or take a step back from something because it crosses a boundary, offer a clear and direct explanation that speaks to your values – you’ll find it so much easier than a white lie excuse.
Offer alternatives
If you have trouble saying no, try offering an alternative in the process.
Don’t want to meet your mate for a drink because you’re laying off the booze? Suggest a morning walk instead. Too much on your plate to take on that extra freelancing gig? Recommend a colleague or peer that’s up to the task.
Alternatives allow you to remain helpful and connected without stretching yourself too thin.
Take time to reflect
Boundaries are really all about taking time to know and honour your own emotional needs. Take time to reflect on whether your boundaries are holding firm or if they may be slipping.
Regularly ask yourself questions like ‘How am I feeling today / this week / this month?’ ‘Has anything changed recently’ ‘Are there any expectations being placed on me that are making me feel stressed or anxious?’ ‘What is in my control to change?’
Trust your gut
Feelings of discomfort, stress or resentment – often felt in our very gut – are our body’s warning signs that our limits are being pushed. Tuning in to your gut instinct can be a helpful way to recognise these feelings before they become overwhelming.
One exercise you might find helpful is to find a quiet space and gently ask yourself questions about plans, tasks, relationships, or major decisions. Present solutions to yourself and watch how your body physically reacts to each one.
If you become super tense at the idea of taking on yet another project at work, or your stomach does an uncomfortable backflip at the prospect of continuing a relationship, listen in! You’ll likely be surprised at how good your body is at letting you know when something’s not quite right.